Boys and Sex with Peggy Orenstein

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Talking about boys and sex can be uncomfortable. But if want our boys (and girls and non-binary children) to have healthy, safe, fulfilling sexual relationships, it’s essential.

And there’s the hitch, right? A lot of us don’t even want to think about our children having sexual relationships — and when we do talk to our kids about sex, it’s typically because we don’t want them to become pregnant, we don’t want them to get a disease, and we don’t them to be hurt or arrested. Rarely is our focus on helping our children develop the skills and knowledge they’ll need to engage in healthy, safe and fulfilling sexual relationships.

That’s a mistake, says Peggy Orenstein, author Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. When we avoid these conversations, our children get their sexual education elsewhere — often, from porn.

Contrary to her expectations when she began reporting the book, Peggy found that boys were “insightful narrators” of their lives and experiences. Boys are acutely aware of the issues that affect them, of the “rules” that govern their behavior and social success and of society’s evolving definition of masculinity.

The #MeToo movement has inspired a lot of conversation about gender and sexual violence, and given us all the opportunity to rethink the spoken and unspoken messages our society sends boys. “It’s not just a time to reduce sexual violence,” Peggy says. “It’s a crack in the edifice where we can engage boys in a more positive way about sex, intimacy, masculinity and gender dynamics.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet & Peggy discuss:

Common preconceptions about boys
How the #MeToo movement has created openings for conversation with our boys
Hookup culture
The current status of sex ed in school (only 10 states require that their sex education programs must be medically-accurate!)
Boys’ skewed perceptions of bodies and sex
Why boys say “hilarious” all the time
Preparing boys to speak out when they see bad behavior — & why they might not, in spite of their best intentions
How rigid gender norms harm boys
Broadening boys’ emotional vocabulary
Dads as the “gender police”
Supporting fathers as they connect and communicate with their sons
The role of vulnerability in human relationships
How drinking — and socialization — warp boys’ assumptions about girls’ activity and intentions
The difference between a “bad hookup” and sexual assault

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